I know I haven’t always been…

I know I haven’t always been the best. I am a constant work in progress. I have not been the best husband, friend, worker, you name it I haven’t always been the best.

At the age of 43, I think I may have gotten it, I have lived a great life had many fabulous adventures done a lot of cool things. One of the things that in retrospect I may have been too cavalier about was getting married. I married a very nice lady, I thought we were right for one another but now 13 years later I fear it was a mistake. She has done nothing wrong, we are just two people who are the exact opposite of one another. Whoever said opposites attract was full of crap.

I have made due all these years because good Indian boys stay married and just make it work. I was happy to do this for a long time now and I am at a point where it just doesn’t work for me anymore. I can’t continue to live the life I have been living because I am extremely unhappy. I know I will get a lot of crap from the ladies because I look like an asshole and I am taking the easy way out, but in all honesty I did try, then I gave up, my fault–YES, ABSOLUTELY! Can it be fixed, probably not at this point, furthermore I don’t want it to be fixed as I am just done, what’s the point?

I have undergone a drastic physical and mental change in the last several months and I definitely have a different outlook on my future. I don’t want my life to stay the same, I fear if it does I will only revert back to my old life in which I was extremely unhealthy and toxic. Some may not know it, but I am an extremely affable guy, the last few years have taken a lot out of me. The turning point was when my Mom died, I took it harder than I thought I would. I never realized how much she meant to me, until she was gone (which is what she always told me), but it did make me realize I can be gone tomorrow, why am I making due with what I have. I want to live!

I don’t think I have been a good friend either, my friends seem to go all out for me, but I feel that sometimes I took that for granted. I have surrounded myself with less and less people as I grow older, I have lost many relationships with people I do care deeply for because I just didn’t value them as much as they valued me. Some may say I am cocky, well, I would have to say they are right (just by making this statement and agreeing with it, isn’t that a fine example?). But, I realize that I do need these people, and it may be too late for me–or is it?

So, as I sit here in Oceanside, CA I wonder what the future holds? If I die tomorrow I can’t say that. I have many regrets as I don’t I have had a wonderful life and experienced a great many things. One thing that I never experienced was the joy of becoming a parent. When I was in college, my girlfriend at the time Jennifer had gotten pregnant. We didn’t give it a second thought about terminating the pregnancy because it just wasn’t the right time, we both agreed–that was over 22 years ago.

Fast forward 22 years later, Jenn has two young boys one is 11 and the other is 13, she was able to start a family. I on the other hand never did, don’t get me wrong when we married we tried and tried, but to no avail did anything happen, I thought it was my fault, maybe God was punishing me for what I did all those years ago(Jenn thought the same thing at first also, as she had problems conceiving at first), who knows but it didn’t happen. It saddens me, because although I don’t know what type of father I would have been my wife would definitely have been a great Mom, as she loves kids and is just a good person in general. Does she resent me for that, I don’t know and I don’t think she would ever tell me at this point.

At the age of 43 I don’t think I want to have children, although people are living longer lives I just don’t think I want to be chasing around a toddler when I’m 50 yrs old. Selfish, maybe so, or maybe I just haven’t found the right person that I would ever want to put myself through that with, who knows.

I do feel my future is bright and there are many more challenges and obstacles to overcome and things to chase. Will it make me a better person, well that remains to be seen, but all that I can say I am a constant work in progress…I am sorry Pat.

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