Glad Christmas is over…

There was a time I looked forward to Christmas, the excitement of the day, the presents, and later on the eating. There was so much anticipation for the big day. I tried to keep out of trouble because you didn’t want Santa to put you on the ‘naughty list.’ Requests were made, and the correct toys/items were to be purchased or there would be hell to pay! LOL! It was all so innocent. My Mom worked so hard to make it a special day, we weren’t even Christian, but when in Rome…I think about all that now and long for it, and on the other hand I miss my mother. I realize all those days are over, and we can’t turn back time and relive those wonderful years. But I can wax poetically about it.

Since becoming an adult Christmas has seemed much more like a chore than anything else. With the store, you gave out Christmas bonus’ of which everyone thought was too little, when in fact I was one of the few franchisees that would actually give out extra money, for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I don’t think they realized that but what are you going to do.

This holiday was really bittersweet, all alone, and really bummed out. I was invited to Michael’s house for Christmas eve but I really didn’t feel like going, I didn’t really want to be around other people. I just wanted to stay home and just chill out. Is this the new reality? Is this what holidays are going to be like? I mean even when I was married it seemed like I was alone, but now I AM actually alone and can’t say I’m happy about it.

How many movies can I watch on Netflix, then again, with Netflix’s outage last night, it did severely curtail my movie watching which I guess was good! I do miss all food and fare though, many sometimes we’d have turkey, turduckhen, roaster chickens, mashed potatoes, macaroni pie, man oh man so much stuff I’m going into a sugar coma thinking about it.

Right now I am watching the 4th Diehard movie in the Diehard opus, I should be asleep I have a 7AM run in the morning, but I am sure I’ll figure that one out in due time. When will all this be normal? Is this the new normal? You know who wants to be 43 and single, I should be settled down by this time–married, a few kids, living in the burbs, well, ONE out of three isn’t bad right. Well, actually I USED to live in the burbs…lol. I do wish I had my own kids to dote on and spoil rotten by buying every single thing they wanted, but at this point it looks like that will never happen.

What does the future hold, who will I meet, what will I accomplish? Will I leave my mark on the world, very few people do, but I would like to think in some way, somehow I left a small mark on the world somehow. How many people will attend my funeral? Will anyone even claim the body? Is it a measure of a person by the amount of people that show up to his/her funeral? How many would show up at mine?

These are the things I think about, on such a joyous day, what does my future hold? Do I even have a future….

Happy and melancholy…

I am sitting here in Breckinridge and I am both happy and sad. I was reminded by Michael the other day the last time I was here I weighed 120lbs more! I am sure some of you are tired of hearing about my weight, but it’s my blog so suck it up!

For some reason I feel so lonely this year, so many things have changed–for better or worse is yet to be determined. I think about Pat a lot what I put here through and vice versa. The only solace I have is at least she still has her family, I feel like I have no one left in the world. My mother really made my world, although she lived with us the last 5 years before she died I feel like I took her for granted all the time before.

When I was little there was nothing I could want for, she made sure that I had everything I wished for. My mother left for work at 5am and returned home at 5pm, then cooked and did stuff around the house. Nothing stopped her she was always on the go.

Ma has been gone 3 years this coming February, and I still think about her everyday. This year more so than years past I don’t know why. It makes me very sad, but I just don’t get why it’s affecting me so much lately.

I know she is with me and what I wouldn’t give to hug her or hold her hand right now or just pick at her to annoy her. I hope this feeling goes away because it is tough to ‘carry around,’ this time of year is for families and I feel like I have none.

When does it get easier? Everyone tells me it stays with you forever, I don’t want to ever forget her but the heaviness in my heart is a tough thing to deal with.

If anyone reads this call your Mom and Dad and tell the. You love them because you never know when you won’t be able to say it to them again.