There was a time I looked forward to Christmas, the excitement of the day, the presents, and later on the eating. There was so much anticipation for the big day. I tried to keep out of trouble because you didn’t want Santa to put you on the ‘naughty list.’ Requests were made, and the correct toys/items were to be purchased or there would be hell to pay! LOL! It was all so innocent. My Mom worked so hard to make it a special day, we weren’t even Christian, but when in Rome…I think about all that now and long for it, and on the other hand I miss my mother. I realize all those days are over, and we can’t turn back time and relive those wonderful years. But I can wax poetically about it.
Since becoming an adult Christmas has seemed much more like a chore than anything else. With the store, you gave out Christmas bonus’ of which everyone thought was too little, when in fact I was one of the few franchisees that would actually give out extra money, for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I don’t think they realized that but what are you going to do.
This holiday was really bittersweet, all alone, and really bummed out. I was invited to Michael’s house for Christmas eve but I really didn’t feel like going, I didn’t really want to be around other people. I just wanted to stay home and just chill out. Is this the new reality? Is this what holidays are going to be like? I mean even when I was married it seemed like I was alone, but now I AM actually alone and can’t say I’m happy about it.
How many movies can I watch on Netflix, then again, with Netflix’s outage last night, it did severely curtail my movie watching which I guess was good! I do miss all food and fare though, many sometimes we’d have turkey, turduckhen, roaster chickens, mashed potatoes, macaroni pie, man oh man so much stuff I’m going into a sugar coma thinking about it.
Right now I am watching the 4th Diehard movie in the Diehard opus, I should be asleep I have a 7AM run in the morning, but I am sure I’ll figure that one out in due time. When will all this be normal? Is this the new normal? You know who wants to be 43 and single, I should be settled down by this time–married, a few kids, living in the burbs, well, ONE out of three isn’t bad right. Well, actually I USED to live in the burbs…lol. I do wish I had my own kids to dote on and spoil rotten by buying every single thing they wanted, but at this point it looks like that will never happen.
What does the future hold, who will I meet, what will I accomplish? Will I leave my mark on the world, very few people do, but I would like to think in some way, somehow I left a small mark on the world somehow. How many people will attend my funeral? Will anyone even claim the body? Is it a measure of a person by the amount of people that show up to his/her funeral? How many would show up at mine?
These are the things I think about, on such a joyous day, what does my future hold? Do I even have a future….